Monday, May 5, 2014

a short update

Update: On Friday I had a thoughtful little chat with my new friend Kara. She helped me realize that some of my insecurities stem from having to introduce myself so much. I introduce myself to new people at least once a day. In Utah I rarely had that opportunity. Everyone already knew how awesome I was :)  Also she expressed some of her feelings that are similar to mine. Neither of us have one big thing that we are really good at. We both feel like we are semi-good at a lot of things and not really good at one thing.  Its hard for people like us to tell others about ourselves! If I had to say one thing about myself I would say I am a good friend and a great listener. Of course I'm not going to say, "Hi I'm Melissa and I'm a great listener." But I guess I'll figure it out. Or I'll start running out of people to introduce myself to.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel much better after our chat. And I had a great weekend. Complete with Krista's apple pie that I wish I had a picture of. Next time.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

A 30 Year Old's Insecurities

Before I moved here I remember one day evaluating life and realizing that I was doing a pretty good job. I felt confident about the wife I was, the Mom I was. I kept a clean and organize home. I had a calling in Young Womens and felt like I was making a difference there. I exercised. I made healthy meals and was teaching my kids about making healthy choices. I gardened and read books. I kept a calendar and knew my schedule. I wasn't late. I organized playdates and girls' nights. I was a good friend. Overall I felt like I was doing a pretty good job in life.
Well basically all of that flew out the window when I moved here. I feel SO insecure. Is this normal? I am still 29 for two more weeks so I can't believe I'm calling myself 30 already, but seriously. Do 30 year olds feel this way?

Lets break this down.

Motherhood: I suck. This should be its very own post. But this has been my number one insecurity here. My kids have been INSANE since the move. I'm sure a big part of it has been having their lives turned upside down and not being able to express their feelings about it. Also Greyson is 3. We are past the "terrible twos" and into the "terrorist threes".  Canyon went from having thousands (a slight exaggeration) of friends to having basically none. He used to play with the neighbors and ward friends almost every day. He has had 3 playdates in the last 2 months. Also he went to all-day school doing Spanish immersion. That is a LOT of changes. Poor kid. Things are getting better. I think they are settling in now. But I still don't know what the freak I am doing. I suddenly do not know how to parent. I don't follow through like I should. I let my 3 year old watch Spiderman. They hit a lot and Greyson calls everybody stupid. Even adults- which is super embarrassing. I let them eat too much sugar. They eat cold cereal for breakfast and afternoon snack. Canyon gets his homework done 30 seconds before he has to walk out the door for school.  I don't read to them before they go to bed. Greyson throws something every time he gets mad. I have to threaten them to get them to do anything. Usually I threaten with hot sauce because its the only punishment they don't want. Greyson laughs when I spank him. Sometimes he comes up to me and ASKS me to spank him. Weird.

Friends: Am I someone people want to hang out with? Or are they obligated to invite me because they are inviting Krista?

My personal health: I have been running with Krista and I feel great but I have gained 5 pounds since moving here! I blame the Italian Sodas.

My house is a constant wreck. Its so tiny- there is no downstairs to throw the toys. There is no downstairs to send the kids if I want a clean upstairs. There is no "boy bathroom". There is no junk room to put all my crap. My skirt bins are stacked up in my TINY bedroom. Not cool. Also no spot for a garden here:(

Everyone here is so interesting. Krista warned me of this my first week here but now I am seeing it first hand. Caroline lived in Zambia and has a crazy car accident story. She went on a mission and speaks Spanish, which she teaches in High school. Kara has a job where she teaches Moms and their kids to be healthy. She is musical and creates children's music. She started our Happiness Project Club. Becky knows Arabic, which she learned in the Military doing Intel. She teaches Arabic at the college and also has a business where she helps people get healthy. I mean seriously, I could go on and on.  I need to come up with a good "intro to Melissa" (a slightly embellished one, maybe) because when I meet new people they ask me about what I like to do and all I can think is "well, I don't mountain bike. In fact, I don't own a bike. I don't speak a language. I don't have a job."  So I distract them with my skirt business. I need to get the word out anyway. I could tell them I like to read, but I don't want them to think I could sit down and have a thoughtful discussion about literature, because I can't. I like to travel, but only when my Mom pays for me. I could tell them I like to sing but I'm not that good, plus I don't want the word getting out because then I'll have to be the ward choir director. I sorta play the piano but I can't play some Hymns. I like to cook but that just consists of following a recipe I found on Pinterest.  Nothing brag-worthy. I don't craft. I don't run marathons. I don't volunteer.
Everyone is so educated! Lots of Doctors and Dentists in our ward. Lots of PHD students. I just had a conversation with Krista about how I feel so dumb because even the way these people talk sounds so SMART. I need to study a dictionary before I go to bed. I need to add some grown up words to my vocabulary because I think I talk like a 12 year old (as evidenced by this post).

I am making a lot of first impressions right now. I can't have an "off day" because people here don't know the real me. They won't still love and accept me even if I am being a butt one day. If my kids are insane at a play date, we probably won't be invited back! People don't know that my kids are capable of being nice and cute. It's a lot of pressure.

I'm not looking for anybody to make me feel better and tell me that I'm awesome. I just need to throw myself a pity party about being kinda lame and hope that living here will make me more interesting. Its all part of the growing experience, right? I could use some advice, though.  Or ways to embellish my "intro to Melissa", Or at least someone to tell me that being suddenly insecure at age 30 is completely normal.

I did just think of one thing I excel at. I like to hang out with cool people. I'm really good at that.

I know what you're thinking.. how could I be insecure with a face like this??

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Thoughts On A 90 Degree Day (almost)

Today was a BEAUTIFUL day in Corvallis. It almost hit 90! I went to Bald Hill with Greyson and Krista and Lillie and some of our friends. I didn't take any pictures. I should have because it was so beautiful! But Greyson needed to be carried most of the way so I didn't pull out my phone. We saw a big snake. It started hissing at Maggie the dog and tried to strike at her. It was the first time I have ever heard a snake hiss. It freaked me out!
Tonight Canyon had a t-ball game and I got really homesick as we drove there. I think I had been feeling it all day, maybe even for the last few days, but it bubbled to the surface as we drove across town and I started crying as I told Allen my feelings. I think today was especially hard because it felt like Summer and I love Summer in Utah. I miss so many things! I miss going to watch Allen play softball and sitting with Jayne and letting our kids play. I miss walking around my neighborhood and talking to neighbors. I miss meeting in the church parking lot to let kids ride bikes. I miss the splash pad. I miss the zoo. I miss my yard SO MUCH. I miss gardening and weeding and yard projects. I miss laying on our grass in the backyard after Allen and I have spent the day working on our yard.
I finished my cry session once we got to the field and then I cheered up. I chased (literally) Greyson around while Canyon played tball. It was such a beautiful night and i was grateful to be outside enjoying it with my family. Then we got ice cream after and stopped at Home Depot on the way home so I could buy some tomato plants. I may not be able to have the full-blown garden that i had in Utah. At least not this year. But at least I can have tomato plants for my little tomato eater.

Yesterday I felt so grateful for so many things. I made a mental list of all the things that are going right in life. Then today I forgot most of them and found myself counting all of the things that I miss. It reminds me of a "parable" my mom told me over the weekend. She heard it from a friend but I can't remember his name. He told a long elaborate story telling the audience to imagine that they were volunteering at their child's school. A man with a gun sneaks in and pulls out his gun. Unbeknownst to you, the security guard in the office noticed and tackled him just in time. But not before he was able to get off one shot. He shot you……… in the foot. Then he goes on to ask the audience if they can think of anything worse, i.e. you getting shot in the head or heart, or heaven forbid he gets around the school and shoots more innocent victims. Then he asks if they can think of anything better, i.e. not getting shot at all of course! Then he asks you to think of just what is. What is, meaning the facts: you got shot in the foot. Its all about perspective. You can be so grateful that you only got shot in the foot and that it wasn't worse. Or you can let it ruin your life that you were shot in the foot. We all know people on both sides of the spectrum. I'm trying to be the person who would be grateful I only got shot in the foot.

I am grateful for:
living a new adventure with my 3 best friends
living by my sister who I haven't lived by in over 5 years
Allen's job and that everyone there loves him so much
the opportunity I had to speak in church last Sunday, but mostly that its over!
my mom and Rachelle visiting over the weekend
all of the friends I have made here in Oregon- I feel like Ive known them longer than 2 months!
the Healthy Sprouts class that I have been taking Greyson to every Tuesday- so fun!
watching Riggs twice a week- he is so cute and the extra money is a bonus
running with Krista on Monday and Wednesday mornings- I am still in awe at the beauty and its nice to be exercising again. 
Having a successful skirt party at Krista's house. I love selling LuLaRoe skirts so much! Its so fun. 
Growing closer to Allen through this life change
Greyson being so easy to potty train
I feel like i am getting into some good habits and I'm grateful for that. I have already learned so much since moving here. 

I feel like I have put off blogging because I feel like i need to catch up first, but I give up on that. Here are some pictures of what's happened in the last 2 months. 

Old Growth Trail at The Saddle
 Monday morning before Mom and Shelly left
 Silver Falls

A Day In Portland

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Astoria & Seaside

Kappa Delta!
(making fun of Shrub Shelly)

shooting webs